Similar
to last year, my last post of 2011 will be a fairly lazy one. As noted last year, I remember a radio station doing a
year-end recap of notable events in the guise of reading predictions that might
have been made by someone, and which no one would have believed. Here is my
list of predictions that someone might have made about me for 2011.
- You will wander around the city scavenging for food for the first week of the year. You will be excited when you find a store that is not only open but has eggs instead of coconuts.
- You will blow up a water heater by turning it on while your pipes are frozen. You will make note of the fact that, had you been standing two feet to the left, you might no longer have a face.
- As a byproduct of the explosion you will be without water for a short period. You will learn that you have to melt a significant amount of snow on the stove to get enough water to flush your toilet.
- You will be remarkably sanguine when you resume bucket bathing but will learn that 45 minutes of hot water in a public shower may be the best 500 dram you ever spent.
- You will join a gym and start befriending the Armenian cousins of Hans and Franz.
- While walking along a highway one day, you will be invited to a barbecue by four guys you have never met before. Before the day ends, you will consume countless shots of vodka, visit one man’s father’s grave, visit three houses including one with an indoor bee farm, eat honey straight from the bees’ honeycomb, and wonder if you will ever get home again.
- You will stare down a dog and hear the voice of the Peace Corps safety and security officer say “I told you so” when it bites you.
- You will consider moving your water bottle away from your laptop one minute before knocking over said bottle and frying your keyboard.
- You will travel often enough between Gyumri and Yerevan in one month to be a known presence at the bus station and essentially get a “frequent flyer” rate from taxi drivers there.
- You will watch the end of the Academy Awards at the civilized hour of 9AM. Your Armenian will be sufficiently good to recognize that the simultaneous translation on TV is not accurate.
- You will walk nearly 200 miles across the country (wearing jeans) in nine days of walking. You will only develop minor blisters and you will not collapse. You will, however, eat astonishing amounts of food every day but lose weight.
- While sleeping outside at a Silk Road era caravan way-station, you will encounter a group of men who think it is a good idea to barbecue fish at 11:00 PM in the middle of nowhere. You will accept shots of vodka from them while some of your traveling companions are scared half to death by their presence (and others sleep through the whole thing).
- Despite predictions of Armenians, you will NOT be eaten by wolves while sleeping at said Silk Road era caravan way-station.
- You will wisely avoid riding an inner tube down a rocky river that is only two feet deep. The scars you see on your companions and the lost shoe of one will make you happy with your decision.
- The entire dynamic of your volunteer experience will change when the volunteers who welcomed you to Armenia last year leave and you become the welcomer, mentor and advisor. From that point onward, time will somehow start going even faster than it had been.
- You will develop a fan club of 10-16 year olds by engaging in water and snowball fights with them. You will also develop a fan club of five- and six-year olds for no discernible reason.
- You will discover that you have a knack for making soups, applesauce and peanut butter and baking bread, cakes and cookies - all from scratch.
- You will become a minor local celebrity of sorts after a television reporter literally puts words in your mouth by dubbing your voice with things he wished you had said. Regardless, you will self impose a media blackout.
- You will agree with a business university rector to conduct an English class for students who speak English but want to improve. Upon starting the class, you will discover that none of them actually speak English and devote an entire lesson to vocabulary related to kitchens and food.
- You will learn that a Kindle that sits in a pool of orange juice for a couple of minutes will no longer work.
- You will stop working with a tutor but will find your Armenian improves when you start corresponding online using transliterated words.
- You will begin to think you have been in Armenia too long when the Chess King remainders you see in the market while clothes shopping “don’t look too bad.”
- A shoe repairman will suggest you marry his daughter and then show you the porn he watches on the television in his shop.
- You will work as a counselor at a week-long youth camp. You will be utterly exhausted and be grateful that the GI problems you experience from drinking unfiltered water there will not require a doctor visit as it will for three other volunteers.
- You will experience your first earthquake that is somehow milder than the one felt in New York.
- You will climb the highest mountain in Armenia as part of a poorly planned 13 hour odyssey that includes climbing down a long stretch in the dark and losing your wallet in the process.
- In replacing the contents of your lost wallet, you will discover that you can get a new American Express card faster than you can get a new Peace Corps identification card.
- You will be very grateful that people not only come to visit you but lug many pounds of things for you in their luggage.
- You will finally go to the south of Armenia but fail to make it as far as the Iranian border.
- You will go to Tbilisi enough times to declare that Springtime is the best time of year to visit.
- You will attend a conference in a Soviet era hotel that was popular with the military as a “sanatorium”. You will continually remark on how much the place reminds you of the movie “The Shining.”
- Your hopes for a mild winter will be dashed when snow starts to fall in mid-November and remains on the ground outside your door from then onward.
- While walking on ice and carrying both a tray of dessert you will fall on your ass and manage not to drop either (in other words, you will maintain your priorities).
- You will continually be amazed at the ability of Armenian men in dress shoes and Armenian women in spike heels to walk (and run) on ice without falling.
- You will go on vacation to countries significantly warmer than frost-covered Armenia yet still feel glad to return home.
- Amy Winehouse will be responsible for you winning money.
- You will read 27 books.
- You will see fewer than five movies released in 2011, breaking your multi-year low count from 2010. But you will learn why so many people love “Arrested Development”.
- You will realize that receiving simple or silly things in the mail (old copies of Entertainment Weekly, Swiss Fudge Cookies, a frozen-margarita-in-a-bag kit, a toothbrush, a talking Mr. Hankey doll, cards from your nieces and nephews) can really brighten your day.
- After countless times of saying that women are not less intelligent than men, you will see that some people are accepting the message. Smokers will thank you when you tell them you are teaching their children not to start smoking. Participants in your conversation club will win prizes in a creative writing contest and thank you for encouraging them to enter in the first place. You will realize that your effectiveness as a volunteer may come in small ways that you never expected.
